I know there is nothing I can do.
As Jingle was getting into his antics tonight, I sobbed. I am still sobbing.
I cry for her.
I weep for the beautiful little girl who came to us too soon and left us too soon.
I cry for her mom and dad.
I cry for her grandparents.
I cry for our family.
I cry for myself.
I cry out to God.
Life has to go on for my little boy and his precious world.
I'm back home, but I'm lost. I want to be back in my hometown. My heart aches to be there.
It is almost 2am. I am mentally and physically exhausted. There is so much to be done and yet I don't have the strength to move. I don't feel I have the strength to go on with business as usual. I keep thinking of my 'sister' who is hurting. I have hugged my sweet boy 3000 times since I've been home. I even laid with him after he was sleeping and just snuggled him close. There are so many things I wish I knew how to say. What CAN you say to a mother who has to tell her 27 hour old beautiful creation goodbye? I can't say I understand. I don't. I can't say it will get better with time. I'm not sure if and when it will. I can't say anything.
I just want to be there to hold her and hug her and try to make it all better, even though I can't.
I was able to see sweet Ava just hours after she arrived. I was able to tell her hello, coo over her in her little NICU home and rejoice that she made it with every single thing going against her and her little 13 oz body. This was only Thursday.
Friday I was able to hold her and say goodbye. I was able to finally get my fingers on her tiny toes and her tiny face. I was able to snuggle her close to my heart one last time before I had to leave to take care of my own sick little guy. I miss that sweet tiny little girl more already than I ever thought I could miss a child that is not my own.
Ava Morgan, you were called Home way too soon.
God we need You. Hear our prayers.
If you have been watching for Jingle updates, don't fret. Jingle is still performing his scout elf duties and the camera is still catching the action.
This mom, however, can't find the words or strength to post about Jingle. Just not yet.
I ache for you, Kel. I hate being 2000 miles from my friends. If I lived closer I would come and take C to my house for the weekend so he could play with G and you could go home. I can't imagine what it was like to hold that tiny sweetheart yesterday. I imagine she felt lighter than air and was so beautiful. I'm here for you if you need me. I love you.
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